Self Compassion vs Self Love

And why being compassionate is crucial to becoming more Disco Ball

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Hey substackers,

Welcome back! I hope you’ve had a great summer.

As I said in the welcome, mine has been pretty chilled, which is exactly what I’ve needed.

My energy levels have been up and down, and I’ve needed a lot of space to accommodate that.

Grief is such a huge thing to experience. I totally underestimated the impact it can have on all areas of your life, especially physically, and I’ve not been able to do half of what I could do before.

And that’s been hard for me, and I’ve also been hard on myself because of that, and so for this month, I want to focus on self compassion. I also think all of you need more self compassion in your life, and so I’m hoping this month with really support you.

Sidenote….

Sidenote – this year we’ve delved into so much – self trust, stepping into our power, speaking our truth, how to listen, how to uncover our purpose, living authentically, and how to know what matters most to us.

I just want to remind you that becoming more disco ball is a never-ending process that needs constant reminders and relearning.

Each time we delve into something in this space, we are hopefully able to become a little more sparkly. But we will also forget, and need to remind ourselves. Just because we have covered these, it doesn’t mean we will be totally sorted - falling off the disco ball wagon, or feeling stuck in something, is all part of the journey.

I’m sharing this for two reasons – firstly to remind you that you’re doing an amazing job, and that we don’t have to make massive shifts all the time, in fact subtle shifts are sometimes better. And also to remind you to be kind to yourself – and that’s why I want to dedicate a whole month to self compassion.

Not only to support the grief I’m going through, but also to remember to be gentle to ourselves on this journey.

And if that means you go just a little bit deeper, and can embody self compassion just a little bit more, then that’s enough too. This is not a race, this is a gentle unfolding, relearning, and embodiment of your truth. And that takes time, patience, and small consistent shifts.

About this month….

I’m hoping that together this month, we can deepen an understanding of what self compassion is, and find ways that are aligned to us to practice it with ease and joy.

And so, for the purpose of this month, I want to use my tried and tested formula for when I delve deep into a subject. And that is to look at what, why, and how.

So over the next few weeks, we’re gonna be looking at what self compassion is, why it’s important, why it’s so hard, and how to start practising it.

As usual, I’ll be sharing very openly the ways I struggle with self compassion, not only to help with my own awareness, but also because I’m sure you’ll relate to a lot of them.

I really hope you find this month useful, and as always, please do share in the comments or direct message me.

Okay so let’s start with what compassion is…

For this particular subject, I am going to be referring to the work of Dr Kristen Neff. The reason why I’ve chosen her work in particular, is because I believe it’s really simple, very powerful, and aligned with everything that feels true to me.

I’ve also brought in wisdom from other sources, and from my own intuition too. Please remember that this is just my truth, and you take what you need from it.

Definition of Self Compassion…

Here is Kristen’s definition of self compassion:

“Self compassion is being kind and understanding towards yourself in instances of pain and failure, rather than being harshly self critical, perceiving one’s experiences as part of the larger human experience, rather than seeing them as isolating, and holding powerful thoughts and feelings in mindful awareness rather than over-identifying with them.”

In simple terms – self compassion is treating yourself the way you would treat a close friend who is suffering, failing, or feeling inadequate.

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The difference between self love and self compassion…

Another way to understand self compassion is look at the difference between self love and self compassion.

For me personally, self love is everything I do to support my mental, emotional, physical, and spiritual needs. This includes putting in boundaries, following my joy, looking after my health, working on healing energy blocks, being vulnerable in relationships – basically everything that it takes to become more disco ball.

All of these take commitment and discipline, and for me personally involve quite a bit of action.

Self compassion on the other hand feels way more gentle to me – it’s not the “doing” part of self-love, it’s the internal support system in the background helping you through your journey.

Self-compassion is the softness that supports you throughout life. It’s the quiet but unwavering presence that stays with you when things fall apart, when you’re struggling, or when you feel like you’ve failed. It doesn’t demand action or perfection—it simply invites you to meet yourself with kindness.

Where self-love often shows up in the things we do to nurture ourselves, self-compassion is the way we walk with ourselves through it all.

It’s the backbone that carries you through the difficult moments, reminding you that you are human, you are not alone, and you are always worthy of gentle care.

Why is self compassion important…

So let’s take a look at why self compassion is important.

As with any practice it takes commitment, and when we understand the benefits, it helps motivate us into action, and our energy becomes invested there.

So if you know you need to be kinder to yourself, listen closely to the following:

Reduces anxiety and depression:

By being kind to ourselves, we ease our inner critic (I’ve named mine the Sergeant major). Our inner judge fuels stress and emotional pain, yet self compassion welcomes it.

This journey is not an easy one, but when we practice self compassion, we are less likely to get stuck in the dark when we are faced with fear, stress, overwhelm, grief, or whatever comes your way.

Helps us bounce back:

Self compassion helps us bounce back from setbacks, with less self blame.

I’ve noticed this within certain relationships that I find triggering. If I’ve spent a lot of time with someone that triggers and drains me, when lean in to self compassion versus judging myself for reacting, I can not only see the situation for what it is, I’m also able to come back in to balance more quickly.

Encourages personal growth:

When we have compassion on our side, we are more open to try new things and potentially fail – we have our little mate in our back pocket supporting us, and new things and discomfort feels more doable and available to us.

Strengthens self-worth:

Self compassion isn’t something we give to ourselves when we have achieved something – it’s available to us at all times – we don’t have to earn it. And that improves self-esteem – because we are worthy no matter what.

Improves motivation:

When we set ourselves goals, we can end up feeling guilty of putting unnecessary pressure on ourselves. Self compassion is the opposite of pressure, it’s encouraging, and that can actually lead to being more productive and successful.

Enhances relationships and kindness to others:

When we treat ourselves with care, we are more empathetic and less reactive towards others. Our own self compassion spills out towards others, and we find being kinder easier.

This isn’t just relevant to our loved ones, it also spills out to the wider world – which if you want to serve humanity is a necessary part.

Promotes well-being:

Practising self compassion leads to greater life satisfaction, calm, and overall balance.

Heart math is a scientific based program that has evidence of how practising compassion brings the heart into “coherence” - a state where our physical, emotional, and mental systems function more efficiently. This state supports clearer thinking, reduce stress, and better decision-making.

Deepen’s spiritual practice:

Compassion gently dissolves ego based barriers like judgement, pride and separation. The softening of the ego allows for more authentic presence, inner peace, and emotional openness, all of which are essential for deep spiritual growth.

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So there we have it - what self compassion is, the difference between self compassion and self love, and why it’s important.

I hope you have a clearer idea on what self compassion actually is, or at least feel more driven to practise it in your life!

Next week we’re going to be delving into why self compassion is tricky for a lot of us, and I’m going to be openly sharing all the ways that I don’t display self compassion in order to build my awareness, but also to help you see where you might be needing a bit more compassion in your life.

Sending loads of love, and remember….be more disco ball.

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TUNE OF THE MONTH

The Tune for this month is “Fall for You” by King’s of Tomorrow (Sandy Rivera's Classic Mix).

It’s a bit more chilled than my usual choices, but seeing as this month is all about self compassion, and being more gentle with ourselves it felt like the right vibe. It’s also about falling for someone….and in this case, that someone is ourselves.

Listen here.

This also features on my Soulful House Mix which is a lovely mix of soft house.

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OTHER WAYS TO STAY IN TOUCH

I’m very quiet on socials and with my email list at the moment. I’m working in the background on everything foundational in order for me to step truly in to my power. I’m also only doing what really matters to me - and right now it’s this Substack writing.

When I’m more active I’ll let you know - for now, you’re in the right place!